We are in a democratic country! This blog and everything in it is owned by a not perfect human being. She doesn't force you to read or agree with what she puts or writes here, so if you see something you don't like, the X button up there is more than happy to serve you. Copying, taking or reproducing are not allowed without her consent. Feel free to leave a message on her tagboard. I respect whatever your opinion may be because I'm entitled with my opinion. :) I rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for what I am not.

Now, it's really affecting everyone, heat of the sun is really annoying me and not only me, but other people close to me. I'm currently with Yuki right now, she told me this morning if I have time today to go out with her. I was so surprised because I just woke up at 10 in the morning and my phone was turned off last night, she can only have a contact is the landline. So while I was asleep, she already called me on the phone but my dad told her I was still sleeping and of course I didn't know that because my cellphone was off. So when I turned it on, Yuki already texted me so I was surprised and replied to her just an hour ago after she texted me. -____________-. And only to found out that she just want to surf the net because she told me she's going to die in her house because she got nothing to do, there's no phone, internet, cable. XD But that's a good thing so we can do bonding and we are planning to go out at 19. This May would be a busy month for me, especially the last 2 weeks.

Maybe this is the right time to admit my mistakes so that people would fully understand my situation, especially the people who misunderstood my actions and the words that I've said. The truth is, I really hate admitting my mistakes just because I didn't mean what I've said. Sometimes, my words lie at everybody around me, sometimes I even lied to myself so that other people would be happy and when I see people around me who are happy, I'm happy too. This time, it's way too different from what I used to do, I never felt happy because I lied to myself and to everyone. I often say what I don't mean or what I really don't feel is everytime I'm being unconsious. What I'm trying to say here is I am a Love Cripple! Yes it is! I'm suffering from a crippling neurosis. It is unhealthy to hang on to a destructive attachment based originally on the many collusions, like unrealistic expectations, that "nice" lovers tend to practice. To bemoan too deeply and for too long it's toxicity, it's unworkability, to dwell on the pain of disappointed expectations, invites the growth of crippling neurosis. I feel the pain, the anger, the self-doubt, the guilt, the acute loneliness and sense of loss that are symptoms of a broken heart that caused me traumas in the future. Now that you already know that I really find it hard to move on but soon I'll get over you. I must admit my mistakes especially to my friend and the only one, I know you're reading this because I told you to.

I started to think about this confession just last month when I had a private message to my friend in YM. For two years, I've lost my trust to her just because I thought she took my boyfriend away and they fell for each other and I believe in myself that I didn't do anything wrong, I know for myself who's the guy I really cared for that time. When I had this conversation with her, I admit that I can't forgive what she did to me and she made me realized that I've been wrong from what she replied to me. And I think she's right. Last 2006, she asked me this, if juno and martin would court me at the same time, who will I choose between them?. Kami na ni Juno that time so why is she asking me that kind of question, in my mind and in what I feel, of course it will be Juno, and in the other side of myself which is the stupid type of me, I was thinking, she's joking or she really don't get what I feel for Juno, her question really needs common sense in a way that she already knew that my answer would be Juno so in my mind, naiinis ako! Dahil bakit ba nila ako pinagpipilitan kay Martin ngayong kami na ni Juno that time, and everyone knows that, so I answered Martin unconciously. -____- but it doesn't tells what I really feel. The thing is, it's just a word and when I answered that, I believe that she did get that I'm not serious. The truth is, I really didn't mean what I've answered, typing his name in the chatbox while thinking of Juno, it's really frustrating to realize that I'm the one who's wrong. It's so embarassing for me to get angry with her, well, they had a point to think that I've been cheating in our relationship. I know I must not answered Martin but I really don't know why I said that. Maybe this is the root why he left me.

Geez.. And when I think about it for almost one month, I realized that he's not the one because for me, if you feel that the girl's actions proves you that you're the only one whom she love, you'll probably ignore whatever bad things she said, even if she told you she doesn't want you but looking into her actions that she really love you and the words are all lies, why would you let go of her? (well, he can only think those things if he really trust me, right?) and it's just because her friend told you about that kind of thing, that she would choose another guy rather than you. Yeah, the three of us have done wrong things, but sometimes, you just can't control things on your own. Actually, saying this is really a relief! -^______________^- I feel so embarassed and to think that I was so depressed, well, it's right for me to get depressed in this kind of situation because I just found out that being depressed is the way of getting angry to yourself rather than getting angry to the right person who you are angry with.

It's so humiliating to say this and in fact if ever he reads this, maybe he'll just ignore me. I've done things that I wanted to regret, I just made him feel guilty and maybe I made him so proud that someone is really suffering because he left me. I got the urge to say this because I'm currently reading a book entitled Letting Go by Dr. Zev Wanderer and that made me realized that things are possible not to turn from what they are used to be and I must let go of my delusional hopes that in the future, he'll want me back. But  I'm happy to realized what I felt is so true and it's because of that book.

I hope things will get better soon on my own. XD And yeah, to the person who is reading this, is there any chance we can have our friendship back? I want your forgiveness, you know who you are.

When it was Me - Paula Deanda

oh, no
Yeah, yeah

She's got green eyes and she's 5'5"
Long brown hair all down her back
Cadilliac truck
So the hell what
What's so special about that
She used to model, she's done some acting
So she weighs buck of 5
So I guess she's alright if perfection is what you like

Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way

Tell me what makes her so much better than me (so much better than me)
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me

And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver everytime I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die

Ooh, ooh, and I'm not jealous, no I'm not
Ooh, ooh, I just want everything she's got
Ooh, ooh, you look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way

What makes her so much better than me (so much better than me)
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me

That made you smile
That made you laugh
Even if it makes you happier than you have ever been, oh me
That was your world (me)
Your kind of girl
Nothing about me has changed
That's why I'm here wondering

What makes her so much better than me (what makes her so much better than me)
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me

What makes her so much better than me (what makes her so much better than me)
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me

When it was me
When it was me
When it was me

I can't wait until May 20 or within that week, we will go to Baguio, I'll be with my mom for three days and I am really hoping to enjoy though it's not what I expect this summer, for me, it's kinda boring because you got nothing to do but to sleep, eat, camwhoring, and buying things you like there but you won't get dark because of the sun. Unlike when you go to the beach, you'll really enjoy yourself swimming but you'll get dark after. I was really wishing to go to the beach last April because I'll still have time to get my natural color for one month before the class starts but this May, I really don't like to go out. So I just prefer to go to Baguio. Maybe I'll just read pocket books there, so boring but it's one way to forget my problems and free my mind! XD

Crap, it's been a long time since I've gone, but not really long time, it's about three days ago since our phone's dial tone went busted~!! And I totally lost my mind here, I remember Chantal who's almost dead, I mean they haven't got their phone, they have no cable at home and though they will be having DSL connection but it's not yet finished. She also got nothing to do and I felt what she felt during those days but luckily, a while ago.. PLDT just called me and he told me if our phone is okay right now, and I said yes and then switch on my computer and connect to the internet! It's really frustrating, I really don't want to lose any of these two: phone and internet. Let us say, I run out of internet card and I'm too lazy to buy a card outside, at least I have my phone so that I can talk to anyone while doing a layout. But losing my phone is HELL! But anyway, I just watched tv all day! Last week, I bought a dvd, a fake dvd of Hana Yori Dango and Alice Academy, so I survived the boredom! *sigh*. I talked to my sister a while ago and she told me that we will watch the movie 28 weeks later on Saturday but I haven't finish watching hana yori dango. -_- Maybe I could finish it before this month ends.

I've once again made a layout for my friend, diane a.k.a mhizyu. I really love her layout, how I wish I made it for myself but anyway I'm just glad and hopefully make her happy again. So tomorrow will be the convention at moa and supposedly if my sisters and I have no plans for tomorrow to go out, I'll go with Chantal at moa but sad to say that just yesterday, my sister called me on the phone and we will watch a movie so I won't be able to go to moa tomorrow. But I really, really wanted to go there, it will be my first time to go to mall of asia. But in some point, it's better too so that I can prepare myself, my things before I go to Baguio on Sunday at 10 pm and I'm with my mom. That's why I'm declaring a Hiatus! even if it's just a short haitus, maybe I'll be home by Wednesday but it's long for me. I'm so glad that things are back normally from what they're used to be.

So, I guess I'm back from Baguio, I just got home this morning but actually I really went home last night because my mom decided that we would spend our night in our house in Antipolo where both my sisters are, and because my dad wanted us to go there because he's there. I've discovered that my habit of not eating while in the bus in not good for me. It's because I used to feel dizzy and I thought that if I eat inside the bus, I'll barf and what I thought was wrong. When we're going to Baguio, we ride in a Victory Liner bus at 11:30 pm, so I didn't eat, instead, I just sleep until 5 am and when we arrived there, I felt dizzy and I hate it. >_< Baguio have cold weather and I almost shiver. We find the Congress House where my mom's officemates were already there, I feel glad that we arrived safely. We've spent for almost 1 1/2 days in Baguio, and because of the cold weather, almost all of us got a headache and we couldn't get out of our bedrooms. I lost my appetite because all I wanna do is to sleep.. Of course, we did picture taking and shopping. I've met new people that are close to my parents. I enjoyed a lot though it's soooo tiring! It also rained there so I think I just enjoyed 75%. And when we arrived in the terminal last night, my head really aches because of the hot weather here in Manila. Until now, my body is aching and I really don't feel well.

I've been tagged by biey.

 

RULES: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. I never liked dolls. I used to play with legos, cars and guns.
   
2. I could sleep for 24 hours. XD
   
3. I have lots of patience but I hate to wait. XD bit complicated.
   
4. I'm not that good in Math, but I actually like it. ~> (biey and I are the same.)
   
5. I dreamed of becoming a doctor someday since I was 4 years old until now, but I'm hopeless.
   
6. I usually laugh when I watch someone crying on TV.
   
7. I often say what I don't mean to say and it's the opposite of what I'm doing. XD
   
8. I don't like parties except when I'm with my friends.
   
9. I'm brutally frank, emotional and have a flexible personality

   10. I believe in karma and I'm currently suffering in an unrequited love.

Answer them if you feel like it: Yukitenshi, Manoelster, Tatsujin, Mhizyu, Cadenz, Yukinon

I really <3 this song~! X3

Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it’s say
I guess I feel alright


But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I know you’re here, in the dark
I’m watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot


[Bridge]
And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing as good,
You know I’d give you all of me


[Chorus]


I’d give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning
And the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right


All I wanted was to know and say
Don’t wanna lose the love I found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down


It’s not fair, how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more


Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your lovin for me
We can’t escape the love
With everything that you have

 

My japanese name is 藤原

Fujiwara (wisteria fields) 歩Ayumi (walk, deeper meaning: walk your own way).

 

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Thanks to everyone who supported me to win the Template of the Month this May on PTA! -^___________________^-

I uploaded a new layout, it features the anime Mirumo de Pon! First, I was thinking twice if I should use this anime and the quality of the image isn't that good, it's big too. XD but anyway, I just love the background and the headers. ^^ This morning, my dad and I went to CEU again just for him to teach me how to go there, I really don't want to stay here also. I want to learn how to commute, I don't want to stay dependent on other people. I want to be on my own, to be independent and confident. I can say that I'm excited and scared when classes starts.